Charisma

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Cues

82% of your impression is made up of warmth and competence cues.

Warmth signals:

  • trust

  • likeability

  • friendliness

Competence signals:

  • power

  • reliability

  • capability

Cues can be:

  • body language

  • vocal inflections

  • words

  • and ornaments (decorations you wear, such as earrings, necklaces, rings, or symbols on your clothes)

Warmth cues are:

  • (slow triple) nodding

  • head tilting when listening

  • authentic smiles

  • leaning in close to the speaker and listener but not bowing

  • non-verbal bridges (leaning in, reaching out, light touching on arm/shoulder, touch gesture without touching)

  • laughing

  • open and relaxed posture

Competence cues are:

  • steeple hand gesture (triangle with fingers resting on top - no evil finger tap)

  • maximize distance between earlobe and shoulder

  • eye contact at the end of a sentence to make a point (60-70% eye contact is ideal, more can be seen as territorial gesture)

  • lower lid flex (squint)

  • downward inflection at the end of a sentence (vocal cue), avoid accidental question inflection (do not ask it, say it)

  • appropriate distance between upper arm and torso to not look contracted and anxious

Do not mute your cues, do not be stoic.

When interacting with people, there is a cue cycle going on which means that the cues you are sending affect the cues the other person is sending. For example, you think somebody does not like you, and therefore you unconsciously send cues that make you less likeable (e.g. anxious face). Label (recognize) the cue to stop the cycle. If you name it, you tame it (it does not have power over you).

Power of words

Your words are powerful. Use them to create the feelings you want with the recipient. For example:

  • Instead of setting up a meeting, call or one-on-one, call it a collaboration or teamwork session to set the tone for a working-together team effort.

  • Call a game a community game to increase the we-are-in-it-together spirit or call it a wall street game to make it competitive.

Facial expressions

The resting bothered face is your default facial expression. Try it in the mirror. Ideally, it should signal happiness, a slight authentic smile. Most people do not have this type of default expression and need some practice and remind themselves to make this face when meeting new people to make a good first impression.

Avoid:

  • Showing the white of your eyes - it signals anxiety.

  • One-sided mouth raise - it signals contempt.

  • Inauthentic smile - fake smiles do not work, and it is then better to not smile at all.

  • Looking down on somebody.

Be likeable

Many micro moments of liking increase your likeability. Like a lot of people and show it by saying hi in passing, waving your hand.

Help people to like you by sending verbal and non-verbal cues on how you like them.

Phrases that can be used:

  • "I was just thinking of you…​" - sending a short text when you genuinely think of someone, maybe triggered by a picture or movie you have seen.

  • "You are always so…​" (positive label) - used as a remark when talking to a person and that person expressed a character trait that you admire in them.

  • "Last time we talked, you mentioned…​" - used when opening a new topic of discussion, you honor them by showing you remembered what they talked about last time.

Levels of intimacy

When interacting with people, there are three levels of intimacy:

  1. You know their name, what they do for work and where they live. These are acquaintances, for example, people you met at a party.

  2. You know their personal concerns, goals and worries. If those align with you, and you invest into the relationship, they can become friends.

  3. You know their self-narrative (the story they tell about themselves).

This goes both ways, obviously.

Self-narrative can be described with the following broad stereotypes:

  • Hero - they overcame great hurdles with their own strength.

  • Healer - they help others, often cannot say no or set boundaries for themselves, often had to be a caretaker at very young age.

  • Victim - fate dealt them bad cards, and they think they have no agency over their life.

Ask yourself (or them) if you feel lucky. If yes, you are likely a hero or healer. If no, you are a victim.

Hand gestures

Hands signal your intentions:

  • Always show your hands (you come in peace), do not hide them.

  • Wink/wave your hand when saying hello, flash your palm (in person and in video calls).

  • Use your hands to outline your words.

  • The brain believes gestures over words (avoid incongruencies).

Vocals

Vocal variety is a gift to your listeners.

Be able to use different "voices" (intonation) to talk about numbers, facts, and tell stories.

Vocal fry is the low, creaky sound that occurs when your vocal cords vibrate slowly. Excessive use can lead to negative perceptions (lower trustworthiness and competence, incompetence and lack of education). Speak louder to fix it.

Conversation distance

Depending on culture, people have different intimacy and conversation zones in which they feel comfortable depending on their level of intimacy with you.

In the US, the perfect distance between two people having a conversation is two arm lengths (barely able to shake hands). In video calls, be one arm length away from your camera. Otherwise, you are "in the face" of other participants (in their intimacy zone) which makes them uncomfortable.

Conversation starters

  • Do not overthink your opener, just say hi.

  • What is your name?

  • Did you do anything fun/exciting this past weekend? (early in the week)

  • Do you have any plans for this weekend? (late in the week)

Small talk questions

Questions that make a good impression and are rarely used in small talk:

  • Are you working on anything exciting recently?

  • What is your biggest goal right now?

  • What book, movie or TV character is most like you and why?

    • Connects on self-narrative level of intimacy.

    • The character is how they see themselves.

Avoid those boring and overused questions:

  • What do you do (for work)? (Can be seen as rude if somebody does not define themselves by what they do.)

  • How are you?

  • How is it going?

Greetings

Signal which type of greeting (handshake, hug, hand wave, etc.) you want from the beginning.

Hugging at first meet can signal too much warmth and can come across as:

  • people pleasing

  • overeager to connect

  • a little bit afraid

  • probably lonely

If you hug:

  • do not tap on the back (can be seen as power play)

  • approach straight on (no asymmetry) torso to torso

  • taller person should angle up

  • two seconds hug

Handshake:

  • 1-3 pumps or seconds with a new person

  • 1 second handshake (quick reading) with familiar people

  • cupping (hand hug) doubles warmth so only do when you want to show warmth (otherwise comes across as forced)

Make friends as adults

Change your mindset to see finding friends like dating. You are looking for your soulmate.

You are looking for:

  • similar values

  • activation of the same neural networks

    • If you look at the same picture, do you have the same reaction?

    • Can you laugh about the same joke?

  • liking the same activities

    • Test it out by inviting other person to activities you like and see how they react.

Spotting a liar

People can spot liars with about 54% accuracy. In other words, we are not good at it. Therefore, give the benefit of the doubt.

Typical cues:

  • question inflection

  • volume drop (lost breath)

  • incongruencies between verbal and non-verbal cues (for example, nodding and saying no)

  • mismatched facial expressions (for example, showing disgust when making positive remark)

Misc

Intention is the backdoor into confidence.

Signal amplification bias: people cannot read well how you feel or what you mean. Make a point of saying what you mean or feel, and asking for exactly what you need.

Share imperfections early on. Everybody has them but if you do not show them, the other person is looking and waiting for them (thinking this is too good to be true). It is a good tactic in interviews to come across as human and prevent deeper questioning.

Disclaimer

Information on this page is for general information purposes only. You should not use it as a basis for making any business, legal, medical or any other decisions. Consult a professional for advice before making any decisions.